Let the . . . oh, you know

Star Wars: The Force Awakens Imax 3D

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Omigod! Darth Vader is . . . Luke's father! And . . . Leia's as well! And yes, that means . . .

Oh, wait, we already knew all that, didn't we? But I think I can be forgiven my confusion, given that episode VII is largely pieces cobbled together from episodes IV, V, and VI: you got a death star, you got a life-or-death-of-galaxies mission to destroy the death star, you got an intrepid young woman who needs rescuing less than her would-be rescuers do, you got a wisecracking pilot, you got a hero who needs to be convinced that he's a hero, you got a squeaky little droid that you want to punt into an asteroid belt (seriously, if you thought R2-D2 was the acme of artificial intelligence annoyance, you gotta meet this little soccer ball BB-8), you got a masked mouth-breathing villain, you got his creepy old even more villainous boss, you got familial complications Forcewise (one given away quickly, one reserved for VIII or IX), you got a quest for a retired Jedi (was I the only one praying that when that robed figure turned around, he'd be wearing Groucho glasses?). Oh, and right: you got three old geezers who eerily resemble swashbucklers from the first (aka "real") trilogy.

Don't get me wrong: I enjoyed the pic, and seeing and hearing it in huge 3D was a sensory delight, and I plan to follow Rey (Daisy Ridley, in a kickass chick performance that warms the heart of the father and grandfather of kickass chicks) and Finn (John Boyega, who, if you haven't seen him in Attack the Block, do) and Poe (Oscar Isaacs, or, as I thought of him throughout the film, that younger actor who looks a lot like Oscar Isaacs) in episodes VIII and IX as they battle Kylo Ren (Adam Driver, prettied up so much that I also didn't believe it was he; oh, but wait, he must have been killed when the death star exploded, right? Yeah, right; you haven't seen any of these films before, have you? Unless you actually see a light saber go through someone's heart and then see that victim fall a million miles into nothingness, that person has a contract to be in the next pic). I'm just hoping for some surprises.

Speaking of which, here's what I foresee: Rey spends a big chunk of VIII as Luke spent a big chunk of V, being tutored in the Force by the retired Jedi. Who, in this case, she finds out either at the end of VIII or in IX, is her father. I mean, come on, there aren't a lot of candidates for Force carriers, right? And she has already shown her untutored Force to be stronger than that of one she encounters who has only one Forceparent, so I'm thinking Luke and some Forceful woman merged somehow (not sex; please, don't make me think about Luke having sex), Rey and Mom were left in "safety" (don't these people ever go to the movies?), yadda yadda yadda.

Sisters

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Holy shit, I think I laughed my clit off. Is this just another dumbedy, but with women rather than the usual sexpects? Yeah, I suppose so; what's your point?

Trailers

• Star Trek Beyond--Best not to ask "beyond what," I suspect.
• Warcraft--Peaceloving orcs!
• Independence Day: Resurgence--Admit it: you think I'm making this up.
• Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice--What a clever idea! Superheroes squaring off against each other!
• Captain America: Civil War--What a clever idea! Superheroes squaring off against each other!
• The Jungle Book--Bigger jungle, bigger book.
• Dirty Grandpa--OK, this looks like another page in the dossier for De Niro career intervention, but it's the ONLY film of the nine I saw first-time trailers for that's not a sequel or a spinoff.
• Alice through the Looking Glass--Refused to see the first.
• 50 Shades of Black--Got more enjoyment (and hope for civilization) from the recognition of what this must be than from all the other trailers combined.