Purple fountains

Two things I'll bet no one else renting this this weekend wondered during the opening sequence:

1. Who's supposed to be "Romeo"?
2. Are they saying "lycan" or "lichen"?

Was it Wikipedia, Netflix, or perhaps an actual human interface event that led me to believe that this is an R&J modernization? Well, there is an ages-old war between "families" (vampyres and lycans [werewolves, as vampiric lycan-killing specialist Selene explains to recently-bitten-and-thus-lycanembryonic Michael, exactly at the moment we expect her to]), and across those forbidden lines Selene and Michael share a love demanded by nothing but the script, but that's pretty much as far as it goes. Which I wouldn't mind, except that it's a pretty lame film, too. I will say this: Kate Beckinsale is more convincing as a ballsy para-animal-control agent than she is in roles that actually call for acting. Oh, and another thing: regardless of the special effects and the makeup, you're not fooling anyone: Bill Nighy is Bill Nighy.

The Verona project, part XV, Underworld

Who (how old), when, how long? Ostensibly Scott Speedman (27) and Kate Beckinsale (29), but it turns out that there was a more R&Jish relationship centuries ago (and the R in that version is played by Michael Sheen, resembling neither Tony Blair nor David Frost); 2003, 2hrs.

What sort of R&J? Hunky & lycra-clad, respectively.

Seriocomic scale for first scene? There actually is a fair analog of that scene, and it's all for blood. (In fact, a hint of a sense of humor would have helped the whole film immeasurably. I'm trying to think of a single moment that suggests anything but an earnest insistence that we take all the goofiness 100% seriously; coming up empty.)

"Wherefore": do the filmmakers know what it means? Not applicable.

Carrion flies? NA.

Body count? Oh, golly--in terms of WS's play, NA; but in the film, countless dozens.

What (else) is missing? Any sense of Shakespeare--or of recognizable drama, for that matter.

What (else) is changed? NA.

What (else) is odd? Uh . . .

End-of-the-play exposition? NA.